


Red and Dead: Or How Deadpool Met the Witch

by notapairofglasses



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Deadpool - Fandom
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Deadpool being Deadpool, F/M, Gore, Magic, Pissing off Spidey, Random references, Violence, Witches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-23 20:35:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13198068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notapairofglasses/pseuds/notapairofglasses
Summary: Deadpool is a lonely fella.  Spider-Man keeps spurning his advances, he's been turned on by many in his past relationships.  When you find a person who can look at your face that looks like a hybrid of Ryan Reynolds and a Sharpei and they don't try to kill you or vomit, you know they at least have a shot at being buddy material.





	Red and Dead: Or How Deadpool Met the Witch

**Author's Note:**

> Bear with me and this short chapter, Deadpool has invaded my mind since I started binge reading comics recently. So, I had to get something out.

“Okay folks at home, you’re probably wondering why I’m tied up with a hot chick with hair the color of a fire truck. Honestly, I was wondering too for a bit since the lead was just removed from my skull.”Deadpool said, staring at the fourth wall before looking away.”Let’s see… It started several days ago…”

The flashback began, not quite Pool-O-Vision style but a little more brightly colored and noisy than the real thing. He was hired to kill a woman, he usually did not take those jobs. In fact, he had not taken the job but was extremely curious what made an yone want to kill the hottie. Turns out she was not just some woman. When was anything ever cut and dry here? This was more confusing than trying to guess which of the Golden Girls actors was oldest by watching an episode. Makeup did wonders to make ladies look older.

//You’re getting off track...//

\\\We’re going to lose track of #?*\\\ 

“Fiiiine.”he said rather quietly in a somewhat whiny voice as he followed. 

The picture had shown a woman with black hair and blue eyes. Imagine his surprise when the woman in the picture turned from bland to a total knockout. Okay, not a total knockout, she was sort of flat. Still, the transformation had been a little surprising. Bright red hair that was wild and covered on eye, the visible eye being a brilliant shade of green. Okay, you would think he would be used to this stuff, but:

“Holy Hogwarts! “He shouted, hands clapping to the sides of his face dramatically before he jumped through the window which he had broken rather gracefully with his gun. “Do it again! Can you do any more of that Hogwarts stuff?”

The woman jumped lightly before Deadpool found himself dodging a scalpel.

//What kind of woman carries around scalpels as a weapon?//

\\\Some vigilante nurse or doctor out to operate on the city and heal it with justice?\\\

Yellow had Deadpool daydreaming now, mostly ignoring the rather irritated woman as he imagined her in a sexy nurse or doctor outfit. Maybe she was the grown up version of a magical girl who liked getting her hands dirty. His mind switched to a transformation sequence without the censoring lights and he gotta rather stupid grin beneath the mask.

“Let me guess… You’re a mercenary hired to kill me? You definitely would not be the first… I was wondering when they would stop sending cannon fodder. The regular hitmen… Sadly, they did not make it to get their paycheck… Or anything else for that matter…”she said, narrowing her eyes when she noticed he was still giving her the same look. 

The likelihood of him having heard anything she just said was extremely low. This brought a light twitch to her visible eye, and a scalpel into her hand. He would regret not paying attention and opting to stare at her in a perverse fashion.

Wade yelped as the scalpel went through his hand and cut his cheek lightly. She had just stabbed him, though that was not entirely unusual for him. He looked at his gloved hand somewhat pitifully for a moment, waggling it back and forth from the wrist before pulling the scalpel out.

“Woah there, no penetration on the first date!”he said, pouting and rubbing his hand a bit as he watched for her reaction.”Why did you have to stab my squeezing hand? Righty was my best friend on a lonely night and the one I use to squeeze things.”

The woman rolled her eyes as she listened. The man seemed like a complete nutter. Since she had arrived in the US, she had met all sorts of nuts. This person, definitely won first prize.

“So, I did not take the job. I was curious what put a hottie like you on someone’s hit list.”Deadpool finally said after a while of silence.

“A hottie like me?”she asked, raising an eyebrow for a moment and then laughing.”You’re quite the comedian, Sir.”

“Do not call me Sir, call me Deadpool, or Wade.”he said, looking slightly irritated.”I’m not much of a Sir or a Mister, I could be a Madame if you want, but you would have to catch me in the right mood.”

His voice had taken on a teasing tone at the last bit.  
———

The flashback fizzled out after a bit and the view cut back to Deadpool and the woman hanging upside down and tied up with Spider-Man webbing.

“Who is he talking to?”the woman asked, glancing at Spider-Man while motioning to Wade.

The hero shook his head and sighed.

“He does this a lot…”was the hero’s only reply before Deadpool started up again with his story, triggering the flashback again.  
——-

The woman stared at him, dumbfounded and still for a moment before breaking into a laugh. Her features softened and she shook her head a bit before the laugh started to die down. Deadpool was not exactly sure what she was laughing at, but having her not be all stabby stabby was good for him.

“You’re definitely different.”she said as she looked him over and made her way to where he stood.”Funny, haven’t tried to kill me, and regenerative factor…”

She was looking at his hand as it healed as if enthralled. Really, he did not know if he felt comfortable with the way she was watching his healing. Really, he had seen similar looks from scientists and doctors. Still, something in her gaze made it feel different. Before she could say anything else,he heard sirens blaring and scooped her up, using a grappling hook to flee the scene.

His damsel seemed anything but grateful for the rescue. He swore she was trying to dislocate his shoulder the way she was moving. A few shushes and a pat on the back finally got her to settle down. Immediately after, he felt his arm give way and nearly dropped her, the two rolling across a rooftop and Deadpool swore he had road rash now.

Wade watched as she stood, huffing indignantly as she shot him a glare. If a sexy woman didn’t want to be rescued from the cops, she should say something.

//She said to let her go multiple times.//

\\\It would have been stupid to put her down while in the air. Also, the sexy magical girl isn’t trying to kill us now.\\\

The woman made her way to the edge of the roof, taking a quick jump. Deadpool seemed a little bit worried before he looked down to see Spider-Man standing with her on the ground below. 

“Geronimo!”he shouted, jumping off the roof and not getting the same save.

Rather, his body plummeted to the ground below with a sick thud and he looked at the woman staring at him in shock. He grinned a bit, looking at the strange angles of his limbs before everything faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, why did Spidey tie them both up?
> 
> Deadpool: Find out on the next episode of DragonBall Z!
> 
> No Wade....
> 
> I don’t own that, or you... This is not making me any money.


End file.
